I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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