Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize