I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i drank out of a bidet.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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