So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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