ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
