If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I would ride that face into the sunset
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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