two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
