I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
