You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
