If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
