I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
