they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
