your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
