I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
