There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
