Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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