I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
