I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
