Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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