I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
