Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
