Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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