I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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