one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
