Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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