i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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