Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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