I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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