hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
