Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It was confusing and full of hummus
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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