I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
