I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
