Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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