I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
