all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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