He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
