I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
