I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The air was thick with penises
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
