Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
