i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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