I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
