A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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