I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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