Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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