You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
