Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
