Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
