just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
