dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
