if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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