The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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