DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
