Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
