cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
