He asked me if I "almost moaned"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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