I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
