Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
