there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
