ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
