I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
