K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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