i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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