please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
